Feeling Guilty Over My Growing Family
"All great changes are preceded by chaos."
This quote from Deepak Chopra just about sums up my life right now. Change, and chaos, are seemingly inevitable - especially with our two boys and another little life on the way!
Lately my 'mammy guilt' as a result of the changes surrounding this impending arrival has been playing on my mind. My bump, and several pregnancy related complaints namely my achy hips, can get in the way of all the rough housing and activity in general that my boys have become accustomed to.
Not to mention it can really hinder family days out when I'm struggling to keep the pace with my speedy little crew. It's certainly a big change from the norm as days gone by have been filled with trips to the park or the pool to name a few. Now however, even soft play areas tend to be too much for my cumbersome body with my youngest needing constant chasing. (Seriously, if you met him you'd understand. To say he's hectic is an understatement!)
I have spent many an insomnia-filled night thinking about the changes my growing family are being met with, as well as the obligatory lists of baby names or hospital bag items I need to acquire. The most substantial change being that in a few short weeks there will be another small person wholely reliant upon my husband and I. Another person taking up our time - and therefore taking time away from our older two. Once again, queue that awful mammy guilt!
Now not only are there changes to the kids life and our lives as parents but obviously deciding to have another child has an impact on our marriage. In honesty, I'm not the easiest person to live with. This is a fact of life. I'm moody at the best of times but pregnant me is in a whole other stratosphere. For example, on Monday I had a full blown cry-fest when I realised the hubby had thrown out the leftover roast chicken from the dinner. Even through a haze of hormones I can see that I went a smidgeon OTT there....just a little bit like.
So to my well meaning, long suffering husband: I am sorry for being a heinous cow at times. Our chaotic lives will eventually settle down and we can get back to being us but for now, please bear with me while we grow our family. So in the midst of all this change and the entwined chaos I try to focus on the affirmative rather than those temporary negatives. My moodiness will revert to its normal level. The sore hips and big bump will shortly be a distant memory and our rough housing can re-commence in earnest.
In lieu will be another sibling for our sons and although this extra child will surely take up a lot of our time, at least while we adjust to becoming a family of five, that transitional phase shall also pass. And in its place we will be gifting our boys with another partner in crime. On the hard days, when the aches and pains and guilt gnaw at me, I focus on the end goal. A healthy baby and a happy family.
We'll get there.