This Is The Job Application For Motherhood: Would You Still Apply?
Making the choice to be a mom is not one to be made on a whim. It’s a job for life. But have you ever imagined what a job advert to be a mom would look like?
Do you think after reading the job description would you still apply? I suppose it’s a bit like labour.
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After your first baby and the excruciating pain, you say to yourself ‘never again’. But memories of pain fade and you are only left with the happy ones.
Mom, Mam, Mammy, Ma. (Please note when you become a mom your husband may also take on the children’s persona and call you mom too!) Okay, we can cope with this, yes? I mean if you go out and stand in the middle of the Curragh in Kildare. There you will experience the constant calling of your name among hundreds of sheep. That is the test if the ma, ma, ma, doesn’t bother you, go for it.
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To succeed in this position, you will need:
- No experience, no knowledge, no qualifications of being a mom, (babysitting as a teenager does not apply here) That is what we have parenting books and websites for.
- A genuine interest in being a mom, we cannot return your package. (Ringing your health nurse asking for her to take he/she back is not applicable here).
- The ability to forge warm and responsive relationships with your child or if you’re brave enough children, always displaying a positive friendly attitude. Even when they are telling you how much they hate you and you're ruining their lives. (All you did was tell them to pick up their shoes!)
- A high level of verbal communication skills. (Sticking your fingers up behind their back because you just have no words for how angry you are right now does not apply here)
- You must miraculously know how to treat every injury, know the cure for every illness. Know when to dash to A&E or wait it out. Always keep a stash of Nurofen and Calpol.
- You must be able to perform all duties on your own, without supervision, and have the initiative and capacity to work with minimal supervision. (You are home alone. Your husband has escaped to work earlier than usual leaving you to cope alone!)
- The ability to see in the dark for those night feeds and 2 am vomiting bugs. Think of how the army train their soldiers with early morning abrupt wake-up calls. Maybe get your partner to set his alarm and wake you at stupid o’clock by screaming in your face and asking for water.
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Responsibilities of your new position.
- Personal chef. The children may require different meals at different times. That ham and cheese sandwich at 8 am is vital to the start of their day.
- Tutor. The dreaded homework. It’s been a long time since you have attended school. Google is a must here but do not get caught. You will be mocked beyond belief by your children if you don’t know something. A trip to the toilet will give you a small window of time.
- Nurse. Includes cleaning up blood, removing blisters, cleaning puss off certain parts and running around like a lunatic looking for dock leaves because you are out of sting relief spray. Note: Keep a well-stocked First Aid press.
- Keeper of secrets. Such and such said this, and don’t tell anyone that. The key factor here, switch off when you hear the words ‘mom can I tell you something’. That way you alleviate all chance of spilling the secret. Cannot tell what you do not know.
- Hair dresser. Long hair needs constant brushing. This may bring tears and tantrums. Should this get too much convince them by using or doctoring celebrity pictures, ‘this is so in fashion right now short and tight hair styles’. Be convincing.
- Storyteller. You must be available always to tell a story. Whether it’s during grocery shopping, your favourite programme (the only one you watch) or just before bed. This is important for your children’s imagination, education and childhood memories. (No pressure so)
- Mediator. I prefer the term Negotiator here. When you have more than one child (you should have stopped at one) having a favourite is not applicable. You must treat them all equally and try to sort every argument over cereal, TV programmes, one sitting too close to the other, one breathing the other’s air. Secretly at times like this, you can despise them all equally.
- Janitor. this involves the lowest of the lowest of jobs. Cleaning toilets after the kids use it. (May include stepping in pee on the floor) Taking hair balls from the plug hole of shower trays. Taking dirty underwear from inside trousers as they are so lazy to do so themselves before putting them into the wash basket. Best bet here is just follow them around all day and clean up after them, saves any sudden shocks.
- Cheerleader. You must stand in all weather conditions and cheer your children on for every game. This may include frozen toes no matter how many pairs of socks you're wearing. Also; you must learn to refrain from using unsightly language at the referee when he/she calls a bad decision. You must learn to restrain yourself from running onto pitch if your child is injured, it’s not cool!
- Taxi Driver. be available always day and night to collect and pick up not only your own child but everyone else’s too. When they get older they will need late night collections from nightclubs etc. A new low as you remember the freedom of your own youth, pre-children.
- House Keeper. You are responsible for everything. All lost things not only for the children but also your husband. You must remain calm and try not rub into their faces when you walk into a room and find something immediately that they have been looking for for hours!
The Fine Print
- Salary: This is an unpaid job. You will receive child benefit but that’s to spend on the children’s many needs, not yours. The position is unpaid.
- Hours: All day every day. You will be on call for twenty-four-hour shifts every day 365 days a year.
- Please note: Additional duties may be added to this list without your consent.
Would You still you apply for the job? Remember, this is one you cannot hand in your notice to. Should you feel you have the necessary skills/madness please apply at the following address: firstname.lastname@example.org