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motherhood-is-tough

Let’s be honest with each other, motherhood is hard!

No need to sugar coat it, being a mom is one of the toughest jobs you will ever have. Sleepless nights, endless laundry, neverending to-do lists, severe lack of a social life and adult conversation. So why do we do it?

Why do we put ourselves through all the tears and toddler tantrums (and we’re not just talking about the kids)? We do it, because it’s amazing. At the end of the day, when you are holding your little one in your arms, or you hear their first words, see their first steps – it’s so worth all the sleepless nights and all the other delights that motherhood throws at you.

It is very easy to get hypnotised by the glamourised version of motherhood that we see in the media. It can be tough, seeing celebs with their beautiful and perfect families, their expensive buggies, their trim waists, their perfectly groomed hair and nails. Especially when you are sat in a pair of pyjamas that you are trying to pass off as casual day clothes, you have something questionable in your hair (it could be porridge, it could be puke), the toddler is eating cheerios off of the floor and your new cleansing routine consists of a half-hearted dab with a baby wipe.

“It can be tough, seeing celebs with their trim waists and perfectly groomed hair. Especially when you are sat in a pair of pyjamas that you are trying to pass off as casual day clothes”

It’s important to be real and honest when speaking about life as a mom. We all have days where we cry, we shout, or we just want to jump ship and abandon it all. Honestly, you are not alone. It can be really, really hard sometimes – especially when you try to explain to your childless friends. It can often feel like your life is just a conveyor belt of nappies, crying, cooking and laundry with the occasional projectile puke or poo thrown in for good measure.

Yes, being a mom is fantastic and you wouldn’t change it for the world. But sometimes, when you are at your lowest, it is completely normal to have days of complete despair. We all have them. Some moms have these days more often than others, but that is completely normal too. However, if you feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over you and you just can’t seem to shift it, it might be time to pay a visit to your doctor. Any feelings of sadness or despair that lasts for a period of two weeks or more, needs to be followed up with a professional. There is a chance that you could have postnatal depression. There is absolutely no shame in this, but as many moms will tell you from personal experience, the sooner you deal with it and get the treatment you need, the better.

“It can often feel like your life is just a conveyor belt of nappies, cooking and laundry with the occasional projectile puke or poo thrown in for good measure”

Can you help this mom?

One of our members left an anonymous comment over on our Facebook page. She is mom to 12-week-old twins and a three-year-old. She explains that she has been finding it really tough lately, and she just doesn’t seem to get a break.

Does anyone else feel like this? They say it’s good to write things down. Well, I can honestly say the last ten days have been the hardest ten days I’ve put in. People might say I am selfish for writing this but my God, being a mother is hard! Since Friday last week, it just seems the twins, or my 3 year old, is crying or whinging and there’s honestly nothing wrong. To be fair, the twins had their injections on Wednesday which may have added to their narkyness but it’s nonstop. I’ve tried everything to entertain all kiddies and nothing works. We don’t have much of a support network and it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. I just wish I had someone to take the babies for a night. They’re 12 weeks now and I’ve not had any break from them since they were born – maybe a few hours here and there, but when I get home it’s back to the madness and loads to do. It’s just neverending!

My husband has nights where he has to work and has had a few nights out where he’s had a few drinks (tonight included) and, yes, I am probably jealous. No, I am jealous! I just wish for once it was me! Tonight he’s at an awards night where all his friends’ partners have gone and I’m here alone, not knowing what I am doing wrong and feeling really lonely. I am grateful for what I have, but believe me, my God I would give ANYTHING for a bit of normality, sleep and a chat every so often. The twins are so hard to manage and my 3 year old is acting up so much it feels like I’m in a bubble with a heavy cloud over my head.

Our wonderful eumom moms came back with these great, honest, supportive comments:

“You’re definitely not the only one. I’ve sat on my kitchen floor a few times over the last few weeks and just let the tears flow, because it was the only release I had. I’ve started baking. It’s not much but I find if my one-year-old is asleep, I get my 3-year-old to help me and it entertains her. I started a cake decorating class. I just landed my husband with the kids for one night a week. And the kids are still alive so he can obviously do something right! Even if you were to just go out for a drive by yourself or a coffee maybe? Don’t give your husband the habit of always leaving you at home. You need to leave him to his own devices with the kids too. Just throw him in at the deep end and see how he gets on.”

“Firstly, do not feel bad for wanting a break. Being a mom is the toughest job in the world. You are going an amazing job! Secondly, DH needs a kick up the bum!! He needs to be at home more to help out. If it’s only for you to go for a walk. You need ‘you’ time. If he can get a few nights out with a few drinks, he should let you do the same. Thirdly, it’s only been 12 weeks. Your hormones are mental at the moment. But if you are feeling blue, see your GP. You may have a bit of PND too. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Lastly, I would be delighted to meet you for a chat any day.”

“That’s very tough. I had the same, as my son was 20 months when my twins were born and it was not easy. Looking back it was a bit like being on a treadmill and all I could do was just to get through each day. I envied my husband going out to work and panicked if he was late coming home. I also felt really lonely and would have loved friends to even have called in to just keep me company. For me, getting out for a walk helped, I had an abc buggy and it really cheered me up to get out. The babies would settle and my son was happy and I felt like I achieved something. It did all pass though, and was easier when babies started napping better. Hang in there. x”

“Looking back it was a bit like being on a treadmill and all I could do was just to get through each day”

“I would speak to your doctor. I have a seven month old, a 2 year old and 4 year old. I was in tears, shouting and generally miserable every day from day one I think. I felt jealous that my husband was able to walk out the door to work and leaving this noisy, horrible, stressful place behind. He also does night shifts, so couldn’t help through the night or morning time. Anyway, I finally felt it was unfair that my children were only seeing me crying and angry, so I went to the doctor and explained how I felt. She diagnosed PND and gave me meds. I have cried maybe twice in 3 months! I can’t believe the difference! Everyone is different, but it was definitely the best decision for me. I also go to as many mother/toddler groups as I can and go out walking.”

“Is there a chance that one night a week your hubby could stay with the children upstairs and you could sleep in another room/downstairs and get a full night of undisturbed sleep? That’s what my hubby did during the first weeks after our second child was born and honestly it made such a difference! I was a different person, so much happier. And it was something to look forward to. The beginnings are always hard. Can’t even imagine how hard when you have twins. So a good rest is a key to staying sane and being able to cope. Good luck!”

“I felt jealous that my husband was able to walk out the door to work and leaving this noisy, horrible, stressful place behind”

“I could have written this myself. I only have the one. But I’m a single mum and he’s 8 months old with two airway defects meaning he can’t be left to cry for a second and yet he throws tantrums left right and centre. Can’t even go to the loo without having to hold him. Speak to your public health nurse, they have a system called community midwives or something similar where experienced mothers come over and give you a hand or even just make you a cuppa tea and have a chat once or twice a week. It’s not much, but it does give you some of your sanity back! It will get better, soon the twins will be able to play together and your three year old will be in preschool then starting big school. X”

“You poor thing, let your doctor know. And reach out to your husband and your friends. People tend to forget that everything isn’t always rosy after babies and probably think you’re doing fine. Xxxx”

“It will get easier love. I have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and 6 month old twins. I don’t really have much support either. But I’ve established a great routine with all four kids. They go to bed at 7 every night, so now the next time I ask someone to mind them, there will be no excuses. Hang in there, it will get easier.”

“Reach out to your husband and your friends. People tend to forget that everything isn’t always rosy after babies and probably think you’re doing fine”

“Hey, fair play to you for being so honest about the way you feel. I’d say most, if not all moms, myself included, have felt the jealousy with their partners/husband’s leisure activities and also have not known what to do over half the time but not admitted to it! I can’t tell you it’s going to be ok or easier, but you need time to yourself. You need to get out there and do something else other than doing up bottles or changing dirty nappies or loading up the washing machine for the fourth time in the one day. It is going to be never-ending (I think about this all the time!), because your kids are there to stay! But they will grow up. You’ll probably be more used to them (that’s what I like to think for myself!) and you’ll have your routine with them, which hopefully will involve some time for yourself in the evenings, coffee with friends or a little get away with hubby. Who knows?! And get your husband involved. Have him to stay with the kids for the evening and you go out and relax and have a chat and a couple of drinks with a friend. I do this and my husband encourages me to do it too! He also loves staying with the kids. I suppose it’s his way of saying thank you since it is tough going, especially if you don’t have much support.”

“The first thing is, you are totally normal. I think we have all been there. And when you have three so young, it is very, very, hard to do anything else. The thing is, I know you won’t believe me but it doesn’t actually last that long. Feels awful as you go through it but it isn’t too long.”

“Being a parent is very hard work and don’t forget your twins are still only 12 weeks old so apart from your hormones still settling, you have a lot on your plate. Can you get to a parent and toddler group? It would help to have the older child play and you chat to other parents. I’ve made some lovely friends through the one I went to. I found when my youngest was five months, I started to feel a little better and this made me feel a lot more relaxed with the kids and I was able to tune out the whinging and distract them with play or a toy. Please talk to your fella & explain everything you feel – even show him your message on here. I’m sure once he knows, you can both make a plan.”

“You’re doing a great job, so never doubt yourself! It is around the 12 week mark that your hormones start going a bit mad, so this won’t be helping! Plus, lack of sleep has the worst impact on your mind. Could you put your son in a Montessori for couple mornings a week? Then he would be getting play time and you could nap with the twins or just chill. Good luck and well done for speaking out. It is always better to get things off your chest. x”

Get involved with the conversation by heading on over to our Facebook page.

Have you had a similar experience to this mom? Do you have any more advice or support to give her? We would love to have your input, so please leave a comment below.


About the Author

Editor of eumom.ie, Mairéad Cahalan is a creator of content, a lover of music, red wine and coffee, and a part-time wedding singer! Find her on Twitter, Instagram, Soundcloud and LinkedIn.

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