36 Signs You’ve Reached Peak Crazy Parent
You love your babies, that's fine, you made them, you want to look after them as best you can and make sure that they never come to any harm, all totally normal.
However, not everyone will understand - especially when you've reached the acceptable limits of sanity and are still driving head first towards the danger-zone, from the outskirts you no longer make sense to your child-less friends. Congratulations you crazy baby lady - you have reach peak parent. Godspeed.
Below are some telltale signs that others will recognise as you pack your bags and check out of the logical world, and into the loony-bin world of parenthood.
1. When you realise that you have literally become your mother.
2. The fact that you go into other peoples rooms multiple times a night to sing to them and casually make sure they’re still breathing.
3. That you spend a lot of your day wiping up someone else’s poop.
4. Also a lot of time is spent congratulating someone else on pooping.
5. Congratulating someone else on eating their food, and gaining weight, and well doing anything, and doing nothing, everything deserves some sort of recognition, and pride...
6. Realising that you’re actually not that hard to impress anymore.
7. Realising that no matter how much you love your child – it is still not enough to share chocolate with them.
8. You find the need to tame strangers’ hair, and find yourself impulsively reaching out on the bus to calm someone’s frizzy bed-head.
9. You find yourself regularly waiting in queues to meet adults dressed up in costumes.
10. You realise that your children are terrified of these people yet that doesn’t stop you frog-marching them into the queue.
11. Exhibit a) Santa.
12. You tell your children that a strange old man, a giant rabbit and a fairy come into their rooms late at night and expect them to be cool, and, you know, not terrified by it.
13. Ditto that these magical beings are continually watching and judging them – no wonder there are so so many children suffering from anxiety these days!
14. You find yourself singing children’s songs regularly, even when you’re lucky enough to get out of the house without kiddies in tow.
15. But fair enough, you don’t quite know how to handle yourself when you have a rare kid-free moment at the best of times.
16. Other peoples bodily functions and fluids have ceased to embarrass or bother you.. Oh this? Just a lil baby vom, nothing to worry about.
17. You talk to constantly to someone who cannot speak, who understands not one word of what you say, but for some reason still expect a response.
18. You talk through someone constantly to get your point across “Daddy is very grumpy today isn’t he… funny seeing as he got 8 hours sleep last night while mommy got up 14 times during the night and got peed on twice…. ” You're so smooth.
19. There’s been a disturbing increase in the amount of times you’ve called your partner “Daddy/Mommy” out in public when your child is not in earshot.
20. There’s been a disturbing increase in the amount of times you’ve called your partner “Daddy/Mommy” in general…
21. It is always Groundhog Day when the kids get to decide on the TV – Frozen again?
22. You have an existential crisis when you cannot soothe your crying baby.
23. You realise that you genuinely would kill anyone who would dare hurt your child.
24. You also begin cultivating the most irrational fears surrounding your young – what if the baby's room randomly self-combusts despite there being nothing flammable within a ten mile radius?!
25. You start revealing your most intimate stories to people you barely know when they ask about your baby.
26. You’ve lost the ability to be embarrassed…. Your child on the other hand, well ... let's just say they get embarrassed for both of you.
27. Your child is bad at sports, she hates sports, you hate waking up at 7 on a Saturday to watch her poorly pass a basketball and lollop behind the rest of the team. Yet you insist on her playing – builds character, great exercise, which I was in bed…
28. You spend a lot of time screaming that things should not be licked/touched/wee'd on.
29. You believe that you have dominion over all aspects of someone’s life. I birthed you, I can unbirth you.
30. You spend inordinate amounts of time watching people go to the bathroom.
31. You insist that all dinners must be eaten but rarely get to or consider eating a full meal yourself.
32. Cereal can be considered as a balanced meal for anytime of the day, but then again so can:2 discarded raisins, ham or a bottle of wine.
33. Attempting to keep track of which child has the most recent imaginary ailment that you’ve used as an excuse to get out of something is a daily struggle: “Yes Sarah has had chicken pox three times this month … I hear it’s going around; very unusual.
34. Praying that your child doesn’t get said imaginary illness as bad karma cause you know, that’s how illnesses work…
35. You spend most of your day cleaning up after something that destroys your hard work within seconds – vicious circle.
36. You realise that your child is just as crazy as you, good job parenting you parent-you.
Written by Ruth Cooney for eumom