27 Annoying Things People Say That Drive Parents Crazy
Ever wonder what you should NOT say to a parent with small kids? Pat Fitzpatrick lists the 27 things that drive him crazy.
1. Enjoy the kids while they are young, it will be gone in the blink of an eye
Really? I could swear my son has been three for about a decade. You must have a very slow eye blink. Oh, by the way, I don’t want to hear that your two are teenagers now, and they hate your guts. That doesn’t help at all.
READ NEXT: 11 Anxious Phases Of Eating In Restaurants With Children
2. We had none of that when you were small
You mentioned that before Mum. Eight hundred and seventy-three times. I appreciate it can’t have been easy, trying to raise the three of us in a cave. The constant threat of wild animals, no TV, Dad away hunting mammoths for half the year, it must have been terrible.
3. You seem really stressed
I thought I was doing ok for someone trying to survive on eight seconds sleep. Now I feel bad about myself and to be honest, I’m planning to kill you.
4. I suppose ye will be at it like rabbits
We’re only going away for two nights, we’ll probably spend half of that asleep. And look, it’s great that you’re minding the kids, love that, but it doesn’t mean we want to have a conversation with you about our sex life. (Mainly because we haven’t got one.)
5. The school will be closed Thursday and Friday
What? Why? Who? (will look after the kids).
READ NEXT: Surviving a Rainy Day with Kids: A Dad's Guide
6. You've got your hands full there
Well spotted. Any chance you could take them for an hour, so I can go for a lie-down.
7. Work is so stressful compared to child-minding, give me kids anytime
Here you go. I’ll be back in a week. Or maybe a month. The smaller one doesn’t eat anything except fish fingers – don’t judge me.
8. You're late. What kept you?
Take your pick from one of my kids. The minute the three-year-old hears the phrase “get in the car”, his bowels say “get on the jacks” and I spend the next half an hour saying “are you finished?” You might also spot the five-year-old is only wearing one shoe and it took us half an hour to find that. It’s amazing we got here at all. It’s amazing we get anywhere at all. I’m never leaving the house again.
9. Sure just throw the kids in the car and pop over
See above. The minute someone invents a machine that can dress three kids, find their shoes, put them on, get them to go to the toilet before 'throwing' them, as you call it, into their car seats, I’ll be over. In the meantime, throw yourself in the car and head over to mine.
10. DAD. DAAD. DAAAAAAAD!!!
I can’t hear you because I’m hiding under a duvet in the attic with a box of Chocolate Fingers. Sorry, I just need a break from talking about the Incredible Hulk vs Abomination for 10 minutes. Ask your mother to put on Ben and Holly.
11. Did you hear that they breastfeed their kids until the age of five in Denmark?
I didn’t hear that, no. But then I don’t have time to read Mail Online for five hours a day, unlike yourself.
12. You look shattered
Thanks. Seriously, I’d be lost without you.
13. In my day, you'd never see a man pushing a pram
Thanks for that, Gran. It’s a great solace to know that my grandfather got away without doing any housework or child-minding. Not only that, but the current generation are picking up the bill because our ancestors ‘got away with it’ for ages. Nice one, Granddad.
14. I’ll be there at half two-ish
Ish? Ish! There’s no ‘ish’ when you have kids. I’ve got one hour to get this done. If you’re not there at half-two, I’ll be furious. (As against furious-ish.)
15. He's the image of his mother
Thanks for pointing that out. Any chance you could just lie and say he has my nose or something? I’m actually starting to wonder if he’s even mine.
READ NEXT: 8 Things You Honestly Don't Need To Buy For Baby
16. I know you are probably putting the kids to bed, but I won't keep you long
What is it about 7:30 pm that makes you want to use the phone? Is there anyone without kids you could call?
17. You should try and get out for a few drinks
You should try a seven gin hangover with a toddler trying to pry open your eyes at 6 am.
18. I brought them a little present, couldn't resist
Any chance you could bring them a big present? I’m not trying to be funny, but they have 746 small toys from people who couldn’t resist, and I keep kneeling on them and it really hurts. So next time, maybe try a scooter or a trampoline.
19. Dad, do you promise not to get angry if I tell you something?
No, but I promise to pretend not to get angry, because in fairness you came in and told me you just took a dump on the kitchen floor, rather than waiting for me to slip on it on my way out to work.
20. It's life changeing, isn't it?
I’m going to give you 10 out of 10 for understatement there.
21. So, you're actually a hands-on Dad?
Yes, in that I am a Dad with hands, that I use to clean and feed my kids, wipe their bums and pick up 47 miniature action hero figure that their aunt bought in Dealz. You could just say I’m a Dad really, there are thousands of us around the place.
22. Our fella slept through the night from age six months
Isn’t he great?
23. Our fella virtually nappy trained himself at 18 months
24. Our fella will only eat kimchi and quinoa
25. Our fella is learning chinese at the creche
Delighted for him.
26. Our fella read The Gruffalo at the age of three
You’re boring me.
27. Here, sure another Kinder Egg won't kill her!
Jesus, Mum, he’s going to end up on the Daily Mail, under the headline “Irish parents in court due to overweight child – Grandmother denies she had anything to do with it.”
Got another one to add? Let us know in the comments!