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How To Get Your Sex Life Back On Track

Wondering how to get your sex life back on track with small kids around? Read on, Desperate Dad has all the answers. Tune in here every fortnight and catch up on Desperate Dad’s crazy advice. It probably won’t be any use when it comes to better parenting. But it might just give you a laugh.

We haven’t had sex since the birth of our four month old son. Could you recommend anything I should buy to get her in the mood? Kev, Dundrum.

I certainly can. You need to buy a screwdriver and some WD-40. Bear with me, it’s not what you think. You see, the old seduction tricks like whisking her off to Paris or pretending to like romcoms are out the window. You can also forget about sex toys and the DVD of 50 Shades of Grey. That will just make her hate you for not being Jamie Dornan. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but nothing turns Mom on faster than a guy who can assemble a Jumperoo in less than five minutes. Fix the bedroom door squeak that’s been waking Junior, and she’ll be all over you like a cheap suit. Apologies if this seems a bit harsh. But at least it beats pretending to be delighted that Pretty Woman is on BBC at 9 o’clock.

I don’t want to go into too many details, but the wife and I tend to make a lot of noise when we’re hard at it. This puts a dampener on things now that we have a one year old son. I bought a hotel break voucher for her birthday, to give us some loving time. What do you think? Roaring Richie, Roscommon.

I think you’re nuts. Here is what happens when you give a hotel break to a woman with a six month old son. She goes away for the weekend by herself, Richie. The only sound you’ll be making is “would you ever eat your Ready Brek” in a very loud voice. Meanwhile she’s sleeping 17 hours a day and checking out the arse on the over-familiar Italian guy at reception. Here’s my advice. Tell your sister you’ll give her the voucher if she’ll take her lovely nephew for a night. That will give you something to shout about.

We have two under two in our place now, so time is tight when it comes to nooky. What is the minimum amount of foreplay that is acceptable under these circumstances? Lorcan, Fermoy.

It depends how quickly you can say “you look nice in that dress.” Seriously, foreplay is for people with too much time on their hands. Every second you are working your busy hands over each other is a second your youngest could wake up in the cot and decide the last thing he needs is a baby sister. I know some couples who wear ear plugs during sex so they can ignore the crying. Here’s how that plays out.” “You make me so horny.” “Did you just call me Lorna?” “Yes! Yes!” “Who’s Lorna?!!” That’s going nowhere.

We haven’t been getting any sleep recently because our twins are teething. This hasn’t stopped my boyfriend from propositioning me every night. What can I do? Elaine, Naas.

Are you asking about the teething or your boyfriend? Maybe you could try and solve both things and put Bonjela on his privates. Actually don’t, you’ll only end up giving him ideas. There is no point in trying to have an adult conversation to point out that your sex life will have to take a back seat for a while. Research shows that a sexually frustrated man has a memory span of 7 seconds. The only thing he won’t forget is a promise to have sex in the future. So don’t try and put him off with “ask again on Saturday.” Because if you think a toddler never forgets, then wait until you see a man on a promise. “I understand where you are coming from” he definitely won’t say, at all.

Before our two month old arrived, my partner and I talked dirty to each other to get the party started. I am planning to start doing it again because I wouldn’t mind some loving. Do you have any advice? Derek, Roscrea.

I have one only bit of advice. Join the priesthood. With that approach you’re going to be celibate anyway, so you might as well get the free meals and handy trips to Rome. Think about it, you big eejit. Your partner has probably had 18 minutes sleep in the past month. If my memory of new-borns is correct, she has a small amount of eight day old vomit in her ear. It isn’t hers. Suddenly you creep up behind her in the kitchen and whisper “you’re been a very naughty girl” in her ear. Let us know how that goes. From your new life in the spare room.

Did this give you a chuckle?! Let us know in the comments. 

About the Author

Pat Fitzpatrick lives in Cork city with his wife and two small kids. He gave up a decent job in I.T. in 2008 to head for the lucrative world of writing. So don't hire him as a life coach, investment advisor or anything to do with your career. His Sunday Independent newspaper columns have been entertaining Irish people through some tough times. Pat is a regular on the on the RTE Today show with Maura Derrane and Daithí O’Sé and pops up frequently on radio shows such as the Right Hook. All of this is a bit too much like hard work, so he has started writing novels which will hopefully fund an early retirement to a hammock in the back garden. His first novel, Keep Away from those Ferraris, is available online and in shops outlined here http://www.patfitzpatrick.ie/novels/. Pat’s kids are both under two, so if you don’t mind, he is now going for a quick lie down.

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