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23-Things-Moms-Say-Vs-What-They-Actually-Mean

23 Things Moms Say Vs. What They Actually Mean

Looking for a giggle? Pat Fitzpatrick​ takes a very tongue-in-cheek look at what moms say and what they really mean!

1. “AAAAAAAAAAAH.”
“Don’t make any plans for the weekend, we’re cleaning the house, I can’t take it anymore.”

2. “Did you check if the load in the washing machine is finished?”
“I put a load in the washing machine earlier. It’s just to the right of the sink and down a bit. You might try load it yourself some time.”

3. “When was the last time you washed those jeans?”
“I’m thinking of having an affair with Joe from work. You’ve really let your standards drop since the kids came along.”

4. “Are you sure you aren’t constipated?”
“I’m timing how long you spend in the jacks because I think you’re in there, hiding from the kids.”

5. “I don’t want to be nagging you all day, every day.”
“I’m thinking of taking Thursday afternoon off.”

6. “Are you making tea?”
“Make tea. And if you don’t bring a fun-sized Crunchie to go with it, you’ll have to go back out to the kitchen, so maybe spare yourself a journey on that front.”

7. “Who’s Laura?”
“I’ve been looking at your emails again.”

8. “Does Sophie feel like she has a temperature?”
“Sophie looks a bit listless and I’m panicking prematurely. I need you to do that thing where you put your hand on her forehead and say ‘she’s fine’, even though you’re not a doctor.”

9. “Sure give it a go and see what happens.”
“I’m 99% sure the kids won’t eat grilled octopus on a bed of leeks. Stop taking your food ideas from Rick Stein’s Long Weekend and start giving them Spag Bol when it’s your day to cook.”

10. “Is this dress trying too hard?”
“Be very careful what you say next. I’d nearly hire a solicitor if I were you.”

11. “Are you picking Sophie up from school?”
“I told you about this last night, but you had that look on your face which suggested you were somewhere else, or maybe just asleep with your eyes open. I’d advise you to answer yes, as any other answer could be used against you later in court. (My court, where I’m Judge Judy on a bad day.) 

12. “I’m wrecked after minding the kids all day.”
“Please go out and get me a burger with chilli fries, even though it’s snowing outside. I might even have sex with you if I don’t go into a beef coma.”

13. “I don’t mind.”
“Go on, you make the decision on this one. And let’s face it, I’ll probably mind.”

14. “What are you doing the weekend after next?”
“You’re minding the kids the weekend after next. I’ll be drinking gin cocktails with the girls in Kilkenny. You’re allowed one phone call when I’m away, so don’t go wasting it on ‘where are her tights?’ (They’re where they always are.)”

15. “Ciara’s done some amazing things with her front room.”
“We’re going sofa shopping at the weekend. Ciara’s a right pain in the arse.”

16. “When are you planning to fix the blinds in the baby’s room again?”
“I could always ask Joe from work to come over and have a look. Joe from work is great, he’s really handy around the place and always does things when he says he’ll do them. I’m  going to keep mentioning Joe from work until you fix those blinds.”

17. “I’m so glad we got rid of all that stuff in the skip, it freed up so much space in the house.”
“Come on, we’ll have another baby. Seriously, you’ll hardly notice it’s there, with all the extra space in the house. That’s the last one then, I promise.”

18. “I don’t want any fuss for my birthday.”
“I’d say you’re worried now. No matter what you do is wrong.”

19. “You’re full of beans today.”
“You’re getting more sleep than me. Don’t think I’m going to take this lying down (with my eyes open, staring at the ceiling).”

20. “I really admire the way my friend relaxes and gives her kids Cheerios at the weekend.”
“My friend is poisoning her kids.”

21. “Did you see her coat anywhere?”
“We all know you had it last.”

22. “Will we watch Location, Location, Location?”
“This is going to make me want to move to a picturesque village and live in a converted farm building, but I’ll be over it by tomorrow.”

23. “Do you think it’s too icy to go out in the car?”
“Please say it’s too icy for me to go spinning. I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll even stop talking about Joe from Work. He doesn’t actually exist, I just made him up to keep you on your toes.”

Got any other translations you'd like to add? Let us know in the comments!


About the Author

Pat Fitzpatrick lives in Cork city with his wife and two small kids. He gave up a decent job in I.T. in 2008 to head for the lucrative world of writing. So don't hire him as a life coach, investment advisor or anything to do with your career. His Sunday Independent newspaper columns have been entertaining Irish people through some tough times. Pat is a regular on the on the RTE Today show with Maura Derrane and Daithí O’Sé and pops up frequently on radio shows such as the Right Hook. All of this is a bit too much like hard work, so he has started writing novels which will hopefully fund an early retirement to a hammock in the back garden. His first novel, Keep Away from those Ferraris, is available online and in shops outlined here http://www.patfitzpatrick.ie/novels/. Pat’s kids are both under two, so if you don’t mind, he is now going for a quick lie down.

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