My Overwhelming Sadness| Depression Comes In All Shapes & Sizes
Sometimes I get very, very tired and very, very sad. It creeps up on me and I blame it on PMS, interrupted sleep, too much wine or too little coffee. It’s happened 4 or 5 times in my life and normally ends with a trip to the doctor.
The last few weeks I’ve been tearful, which is not that shocking as I am an emotional person but I would start to cry mid (non sad) conversation with friends and the tears would surprise me so much that I would laugh and it would become a cry/laugh kind of thing.
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I was beginning to annoy myself as I was like a petulant teenager and nothing could make me happy. My husband snapped at me one day saying that he was sick of all my huffing and puffing, certainly not the good kind. One night he got into bed after a night shift and I accused him of drinking the last bit of wine from my bottle.. "I can smell it" I hissed like a demented person.
The next day I was in work and a few people asked if I was ok… I thought that strange as they had done the same the week before... too much blusher? (I can be heavy handed). I tried explaining to a good friend that I just felt very down; I told her nothing would make me happy… not a holiday or a shopping spree or time spent with Keanu and I laugh/ cried telling her. She took me in her arms and told me to get to the doctor as she had spent 40 years living with depression and in the last few months she had gotten help and her life had changed with medication. She also recommended red lipstick, she always does this… and gin. In fact there was a can of gin and tonic in my locker later that day, courtesy of this special lady.
READ ALSO: Anti-Depressants are the New Gin
I made an appointment with the doctor and went in with my usual million complaints and asked for a breast check which cheered me up slightly (what? It’s like a nice massage). She looked at me concerned and the tears started to flow...
“I think I’m going through the menopause” I blurted.
“Why do you think that?”
“Well look at me.. I can’t stop crying, I’m sweating a lot, I have homicidal tendencies and last week I found a black hair growing out of my chin!”
She ruled this out after it was discovered that my periods are very regular and not freakishly heavy.
She checked my history and saw that I’d been on anti depressants before and asked if I had a family history.. the short answer being yes. We decided it would be best if I went back on them to balance things out.
So I’m a few days in and I’ve had a lot of anxiety, breathlessness and a feeling of overwhelming tiredness.. This is all to be expected before things even out. Today I’m feeling like I can face the day… I won’t be joining a gym (it is on my to do list though...for a very long time) just yet but the thoughts of the hours between now and bedtime are not making me itch with stress.
The day I went to the doctors was world mental health day, a fact I didn’t realise till much later.
The reason I am writing this is to let you know that there are many different types of depression. I feel that I have no business using the word depression as mine seems more of a sadness; I’ve never felt suicidal or wanted to end things. I'm immensely grateful for all the things I have in my life and for the fact that my children are healthy; I think of the people in Syria or facing unimaginable battles and I feel guilty that I am complaining.
READ ALSO: 5 Ways To Improve Your Emotional Health
The one thing I wanted throughout all this was to get into bed with snacks and watch a Steve Martin marathon. If you have a general shitty feeling and it’s going on for some time please see your GP; medication may not be for you but you can work out a programme that suits your needs best. We often joke as mothers that we don’t have the time to get sick and we have all trundled through a flu like troopers, making lunches and dinners before collapsing with a lemsip. We can’t afford to neglect our mental health as we have little minds to shape and relationships to nurture. As my husband always says “If Mammy isn’t happy, nobody is happy”.
For expert advice, talk to eumom Maternal Mental Health Expert, Irene Lowry.
The information contained on eumom.ie is not a substitute for examination, diagnosis or treatment by a qualified medical professional. If in doubt, always consult your doctor.