8 Types of Dad
1. Always Busy Dad
If you’re looking for ABD, try the kitchen sink. That’s where he likes to spend three hours every day washing the same two cups while listening to the radio.
This is no accident. ABD surveyed the situation when the kids arrived and quickly realised that the devil makes work for idle hands. He doesn’t say that phrase out loud anymore because it’s a long way back when you refer to your partner as the devil. His favourite phrase? “You wouldn’t say that if you’d spent half the morning struggling with a stubborn tea stain.” His least favourite phrase? “Just put it in the dishwasher, Always Busy Dad.”
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2. Overly Proud Dad
He’s the one with the sling. OPD is so keen to show that he’s a father that he likes to wear the sling around town even when he doesn’t have little Jack with him. Or at least he did until a woman roared “that fool left his child somewhere” at him in Lidl. OPD now realises how a childless sling might be a bad look for him. A particular sub-category of OPD loves the fact that yummy mummies approach him in the supermarket when he has Jack in the sing. His favourite phrase? “Don’t ever grow up Jack – I don’t think I can live without the attention.”
3. Old Fashioned Dad
He wasn’t always old-fashioned you know. OFD was a feminist in his day, just the man to stand up for equal rights in the pub, if he thought it might land him a bit of sex. It did. That’s how he ended up with a two year old. And a strong notion that the woman’s place is in the home. His favourite phrase is, “It didn’t do us any harm”, followed closely by “I must go away out and do a job, it could take anything up to a fortnight.” His least favourite phrase? “Sure I can always look after the kids.”
4. Daddy Pig Dad
DPD has been watching too much television. In particular, he’s been watching too much Peppa Pig with the kids, when he should have been reading them a book. The result is that he is slowly morphing into Daddy Pig. He now speaks with a soft, posh English accent and tends to call his young fella George. He was being treated by a doctor for the condition, but had to move to another surgery after saying “Hello Miss Rabbit” to the lady at reception. His favourite phrase is two grunts followed by “It turns out I’m the world champion at that.” His least favourite phrase? “Daddy, I think we’re watching too much television.”
5. Project Manager Dad
PMD successfully managed the transition to Version 7 of the software at work. Nothing could be harder than that, said he, opening a new spreadsheet to manage the rearing of little daughter. The big eejit. He is currently at Version 7097 of the project plan, after the little tyke failed to count to six when she hit eighteen months. A recent meeting of ‘all the stakeholders’ was interrupted when his little girl sang a word-perfect verse of ‘The Wheels on the Bus.’ PMD said “I’d love to enjoy this moment, but you were supposed to that last week.”
6. Party On Dad
POD isn’t the type of man to let a few kids ruin his active social life. A far-sighted POD will present any potential wife with a questionnaire. This will include a question that reads ‘Would you have any problem with a stranger rearing our kids so we can go to Berlin for a week around Christmas Time?’ A ‘No’ there means that he has found his perfect partner, Party On Mom (POM). Another type of POD fails to find a POM and ends up with a crazy type of woman who wants to bring the kids on holidays with them. This POD can be found at the kiddy disco in Cambrils Park, Dad-Dancing to Uptown Funk. It’s impossible not to laugh at him.
7. Very Stupid Dad
VSD has a tendency to repeat half-arsed child-rearing advice he heard at work. “John’s wife had their young fella on solids by six months, you know” says VSD, as his own wife googles ‘affordable hitmen in your area.’ “How did she manage that?” asks VSD’s wife, wearily, because she’s been down this road before. “I didn’t bother asking him” replies Very Stupid Dad, unaware that herself is about to instant-message a dodgy man called Jorge to check his availability, “I just thought you should now.” “Thanks for all your help over the past year” replies his wife. “You’d swear you were saying goodbye to me or something” replies VSD, right for once.
8. Very Sentimental Dad
He’d be the one blubbing at the photo of his daughter Sophie, aged 2 days. “They grow up so quickly” blubs he, a little tender because he opened a bottle of whiskey when he got home after the birth and things went downhill after that. He’s delighted that her first words are DaDa, but then immediately starts to miss the way she used to gurgle and point at things.
His favourite phrase? “Her first steps will be her first steps away from me.” And least favourite? “I’m a big girl now, Daddy.”