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15 Top Things Dad Does Best (But Not Always In A Good Way)!

Mums may be superheroes, but let’s face it, there are some things that Dad does best. Enjoy a carefully compiled and definitely tongue in cheek look at 15 things Dads excel at, by Pat Fitzpatrick, author of No Sex No Sleep.  

Tag your partner and see if he agrees … He so will!

Read Next: 8 Types Of Dad

1: Topping Up The Windscreen Washer Water

Don’t get me wrong. I admire the way my wife will drive the car for six months with no water in the windscreen washer. It can’t be easy driving around when it’s impossible to see out the front of your car. But when you need someone to top that baby up, that’s where Dad gets to shine.

2: Getting Out The Door On Time

I value the quality time I get to spend with the kids in the car, waiting for their Mom to join us, whenever she’s finished whatever needs doing inside the house.  Those 10 to 15 minutes a day are precious to me. I have yet to ask her whatever she is actually doing, because the kids get upset when we curse in front of them.

Read Next: Is It Time To Stop Asking If He's A Hands On Dad?

3: Act The Clown

No one likes being called stupid, unless that someone is Dad, in which case it’s a compliment. Sorry Moms, we’ve watched you trying to act the clown in front of the kids, and we feel your hearts aren’t in it. Our guess is you put a high value on your dignity. That wouldn’t be an issue for us really.

4: Farting

The same thing that helps us act the clown makes us good at entertaining the kids with farting sounds.  (And I don’t just mean drinking loads of beer.) We like to say it’s important to talk openly to our kids about farts for developmental reasons, but the truth is we still think farts are hilarious. Your average man will keep this to himself until he co-signs a mortgage with his partner. Then she’s kind of stuck with him.

5: Saying No

Not to sex, we’re pretty much always up for that. The ‘no’ here is to an unwanted invitation. You know, when a friend says why don’t you all come over for dinner on Sunday, and the reason is she can’t cook and her OCD husband gets upset if your kids make a mess. Mom always says yes to that invitation because she worries about people thinking badly of her. Dad doesn’t have that problem.

Read Next: What Is A Threenager, And How Do You Deal With One

6: Poo Picker

Despite all the messing, farting and asking how could anyone possibly see out that windscreen, most women decide not to leave their partners. When push comes to shove, they are faced with the greatest question of them all – who will pick up the dog-doo in the back garden when he is gone? It’s like the job was made for us.

7: Ignoring The Kids

It’s not that we’re that different to Moms. It’s just that our ears can’t hear the part of a child’s cry that says “You better do something about that.” This can cause a lot of grief when they are small, and Mom spends half her life saying “Are you just going to let him there bawling?” (Yes.) However, it makes us the perfect parent later on, when someone is required to ignore a whingeing child.

8: Give Them The Same Dinner 8 Nights In a Row

A much over-looked skill. I’m not talking about Deep Fried Mars Bars either. Most families have their own take on Ruined Spag Bol. This is where you take a perfectly good Italian classic and ruin it with hidden kale and sweet potato and Instagram posts,  to make your friends feel guilty for giving their kids potato waffles. Mom won’t give them this every night because she’s worried about variety. Dad is trying to figure out if he could make a batch in a clean wheelie bin that would see them through the month.

9: Pest Control

Just when Mom is starting to picture life without her lazy lump partner, she comes across a medium sized spider in the jacks. (My guess is Dad put it there, but these things can be very hard to prove.)

10: Going anyway

It’s a rainy Sunday afternoon. Mom likes the notion of curling up on the couch with the kids and watching Ice Age. Dad knows this will last 20 minutes before the kids all stand up at the same time and chase each other around in a circle. He suggests they go for a walk in the woods. Mom says it’s pissing rain. Dad says we’ll go anyway. Mom says, is it because you have cabin fever or that you won’t be the one who’ll have to wash their muddy clothes? Dad says, bit of both.

Read Next: Surviving Rainy Days With Kids: A Dad's Guide

11: Getting Away From It All

You are getting away from the kids for the weekend.  Mom has told the child-minder how to put Ruairi to sleep, where to find the emergency stash of Calpol and how to contact her if anything goes wrong on WhatsApp, Viber, Skype, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and a new messaging system that has yet to be invented. Dad makes sure there is enough water in the windscreen washer. As they pull away from the house, Mom says “Turn back Kevin,  I can’t handle the guilt”. Dad keeps driving. He doesn’t suffer from the guilt.

12:  Scaring The Bejaysus

Mom leaves off steam once an hour with a short string of abuse at the kids that could get you banned from Wimbledon. Dad says nothing for months because he likes to see himself as the strong silent type. Then he kneels on a piece of Lego the morning after his brother-in-law's stag party. The resulting eruption registers on the Richter scale. In Fiji. The kids stop leaving Lego on the ground.

13: Smelling The Roses

Saturday morning is all about the tension. Mom wants to clean the house. Dad says they need to get out and enjoy time together as a family while the weather is good,  smell the roses as he likes to call it. She says the toilet is about to be cordoned off by a chemical weapons inspection team, because of the strange smell. He shouts “Hey kids, who’d like to get in the car and go to Nandos.” He wins. She later agrees he was right, but never forgets how sly he was.

14: The Tidying Up

Mom’s definition of Tidying Up: Spending three hours a day decluttering her house and her mind to bring a bit of order into their lives. Dad’s Definition: Spending 10 minutes putting stuff where no one will ever find it again, but who cares, the important thing is we get to watch two episodes of Game of Thrones rather than one. Alternatively, we could have sex. There are no losers here.

15: Saying Stop

Human beings are a plague that will ruin the planet if someone doesn’t shout stop. I don’t want to blame women for this, but they are addicted to small, cute things and the phrase, “Will we try for another one?” Dad isn’t addicted to small, cute things, and hasn’t forgotten the 18 months of no sleep that came with the last one. He might just save the world.

So how much do you recognise, and which bits are the opposite way around in your household? We'd love to hear.


About the Author

Pat Fitzpatrick lives in Cork city with his wife and two small kids. He gave up a decent job in I.T. in 2008 to head for the lucrative world of writing. So don't hire him as a life coach, investment advisor or anything to do with your career. His Sunday Independent newspaper columns have been entertaining Irish people through some tough times. Pat is a regular on the on the RTE Today show with Maura Derrane and Daithí O’Sé and pops up frequently on radio shows such as the Right Hook. All of this is a bit too much like hard work, so he has started writing novels which will hopefully fund an early retirement to a hammock in the back garden. His first novel, Keep Away from those Ferraris, is available online and in shops outlined here http://www.patfitzpatrick.ie/novels/. Pat’s kids are both under two, so if you don’t mind, he is now going for a quick lie down.

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