11 Tips To Help Understand What Women Really Want
I am pre-empting this with a disclaimer: I in no way claim to speak for all women, or men for that matter, but write only from personal experiences and that of friends.
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In the midst of many arguments with my husband I am met with an anguished look, arms outstretched and a question (or is it a mantra?) “what do you want?” I will never give him the satisfaction of answering this succinctly, but rather counter with a barrage of rhetorical questions, such as, “what do you think I want?”, “shouldn’t it be obvious?” or, if all else fails, I’ll stomp off to listen to the Immaculate Collection in my room, or watch John Hughes movies and dream of simpler times.
It was only in the last few days that the answer came to me...
I want you to read my damn mind
In the first Superman movie in 1979, there is a very peculiar scene that my cousin and I like to recite and fall about laughing (we’re massive nerds). You know the one where Superman flies with Lois for the first time and she has an internal monologue and rather than “shit, shit, shit he might drop me!” or “I hope I shaved my legs in case this is foreplay” she thinks:
Can you read my mind?
Can you picture the things I'm thinking of?
Wondering why you are
All the wonderful things you are.
Just to be clear, this is not what I am thinking in the middle of an argument with my husband!
Tips To Help You Read Our Minds
I would like to make it easy on you men out there (I know you love a short cut) and help you out of a bind with some unsolicited advice and skill sets that may help you read our minds:
1. These are the 'man jobs'
There are certain jobs we (I) consider “man jobs” handed down by our mother and hers before; We, of course, are capable of them as we are equal to you in every way but we will name them man jobs so we never have to do them. The list is not exhaustive.
- Take out the bins
- Clean the oven
- Clean the car... no excuses as to how you never drive it as it’s your spawn that destroyed it.
- Clean the windows (or pay someone)
- Unclog shit when it is clogged
- Kill or trap spiders/ mice and don’t laugh at any hysteria.
2. Never Do This
“you’re the one that wanted kids ”. This will lead to pyjama bottoms in bed.
Never, EVER in the heat of an argument say
3. Cooking 101
When you cook, there is no need to use every utensil in the kitchen and just because a dishwasher is full, it does not mean it is out of order... empty the bloody thing and reload!
4. Always Do This
When you take the last slice of bread, drop of milk, piece of chocolate (NO) throw the empty containers away (in the right bin) or we will passive aggressively smile in your direction all evening... think Cersei from Game of Thrones.
5. Wine Not?
If we have had a shit day with the kids and their constant MAMMMMMS are grating, notice our pain and put a glass of wine in our hand and look for praise.
READ ALSO: My First Trip To The Emergency Room as a Parent
6. Just Listen!
When we tell you a scintillating story, put your phone down… wait that requires bold PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN and pay attention.
7. Never Say This
Don’t ever call our bodies comfy or ask why we pay money to Slimming World every week as we are skilled at the art of a put-down and will have you in the foetal position quicker than you can say “it’s a beer belly”
8. Parenting 101
Questioning our parenting skills can be the deepest cut of all and may result in a walkout. We won’t go for long, possibly a quick coffee grabbed in a sibling’s house but guaranteed by the time we return, you’ve broken and fed the kids ice-pops and emptied all the tiny Lego pieces out of the Lego head to placate them. Feel free to apologise at this point and recognise how hard it is to parent, it may also be a good time to acknowledge that all of the kid's "challenging" traits come from your side of the family.
9. Laundry Learnings
Learn how to use the washing machine. Don’t play dumb. You understand the offside rule and can play strategy games for hours on your phone... a simple on switch cannot baffle you that much. While we’re on the subject… can you learn where the clothes go, or at least which kid owns what?
10. We're On To You
Stop with the distraction techniques… we were teenagers once and used “studying” to worm our ways out of many the room tidy. Why do you suddenly remember convoluted DIY jobs that are of no benefit to anyone when there’s hoovering to be done?
11. Open Your Eyes
Ban the word “where?” from your vocabulary unless it refers to where would you like to go tonight or indeed on holiday? Just bloody look… I am not an oracle of all things...standing there with your hands in your pockets (can you stop doing that too?) will not an item find. See, it’s simple … follow these teeny rules and you may live a life of cohabiting bliss, interrupted only by all the hot sex you will truly deserve. Unless, of course, it’s PMS time and then you are truly f***** and all bets are off.
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