8 Things All Parents Of 2-Year-Old Boys Will Understand
Wondering what to expect when your little boy hits toddlerdom? Pat Fitzpatrick’s 8 Step Guide shows that it’s mainly farts and dinosaurs.
1. The Farts
The Father-Son bond doesn’t really get going until you share a good laugh over a fart. After that, it’s like you’re the one person. He will be delighted to find someone with the same sense of humour. So will you. His mother likes to discourage this because, as we know, she never farts herself. But you understand where he is coming from. In later life, he will explain his love of farting as an evolutionary thing, something we used to scare away wild animals back when we lived in the caves. This is something we invented so that women won’t think we’re morons. The truth is, we haven’t a clue why we like farting. But we do. And nobody likes it more than a 2-year-old boy. (Except maybe his dad.)
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2. The Food
You know that food you are giving him? It isn’t enough. That extra snack to keep him away from the fridge. That isn’t enough either. One of the first things parents says to each other about their 2-year-old boy is, “Are you absolutely sure he hasn’t got worms?” The second is, “Do you think we can get some kind of grant? This human cookie monster is costing us a fortune.” The third is the most important of all. “No way, it’s your turn. His nappy yesterday was like something from a horror movie. I actually had a nightmare about it.”
3. The Pain
There is a good chance his first words will be “Jesus, that hurts.” There is every chance he’ll learn it from you. The minute your little guy hits 18 months, he’ll start hitting you. His favourite move is where he takes a run-up and head butts your thigh. Two inches higher and you’d be talking about a home made vasectomy. (If you could talk.) The bad news is you’re a man and not allowed to complain about pain. The even worse news is that toddlers often grow two inches overnight. So now might be a good time to buy one of those jockstraps that cricket players use for their crown jewels.
4. The Dinosaurs
A few episodes of Peppa Pig are like a lesson in two-year-old boys. Peppa’s little brother George is basically your son, but with a posher accent. (Unless you live in south county Dublin.) George has one answer to everything – dinosaurs. Likewise, your little guy can sit for hours, going ROAR! with his toy dinosaurs. (There isn’t any other kind.) And remember, every minute he’s lost in Dinosaur World is a minute when he isn’t running head first into your thigh. The more progressive parents out there might also buy their guy a doll. In my experience, she quickly becomes a Dollysaurus and is soon ROARING! away with the rest of them.
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5. The Tantrum
Here is a business opportunity for you. Toddler Boy Tantrum Energy. Here is how it works. You start peeling his banana even though you know it makes him furious because he wants to do it himself, what with him being a big boy. This drives him nuts. You hook him up to the national grid. He powers the town of Athlone. So yes, the tantrums can have a certain power to them. But they are not as bad as your little girl’s tantrums. You know, the three-hour affairs where you wear wellies indoors because the floor is covered in tears. A toddler boy is easily distracted out of a tantrum. Try a dinosaur. If that fails, go for a fart.
6. The Hair
There will come a time when you’ll have to cut his hair. Before that, you get to enjoy Name that Rock Star. That’s where you get to try and figure out which rock star he looks like, with his mad hair. It’s more entertaining than it sounds. The hair will cause trouble in the end, though. Despite the fact that your son looks like a young Jon Bon Jovi, there is a voice in your head saying, “Would you ever take that young fella away and get his hair cut, he looks like a shagging girl?” That voice is, of course, your own Dad. You’ll be hearing more and more from Inner Dad Voice over the next few years. And then you’ll wake up one day and discover you’ve become your own Dad. It can be hard to take.
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7. The Big Boy
Fancy a cheap laugh from your toddler? Call him a baby. And then run for it. He’s a big boy, ok, a big boy. And you’re cruising for a dead leg. Here is the difference between two-year-old girls and boys. A two-year-old girl is fascinated that she was once a baby, and would like to go back to being one, so she could look after herself. Boys are embarrassed by their baby years. Babies can’t talk, aren’t strong and don’t even laugh at farts. I’m not a baby, you are, ROAR! says he, closing in on your thigh.
8. The Smelly Pony
It’s traditional for little girls to ask their parents for a pony. Here’s my advice. Give them a little brother. (They’re slightly cheaper.) You’d have to look closely to see the difference between a pony and a 2-year-old boy. Both are fully capable of running around in a circle all day. They both have incredibly smelly feet. And more than anything else, they’re great fun. See, that’s the main thing about 2-year-old boys. You might never stop laughing.
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