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Home Forums General Forums Weddings Can’t afford to attend wedding – opinions please!

This topic contains 26 replies, has 25 voices, and was last updated by  Gooseysgirl 5 years, 11 months ago.

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  • #94819

    madwan
    Participant

    Hi and congrats to any brides to be reading this!
    I have a big problem with a wedding invite we have just received and I am looking to see what the general opinion is out there at the moment. I got married 7.5 years ago and am just afraid I may be a bit out of touch.
    The invite is from a colleague and I believe she has invited all girls on our team and partners. I am currently on unpaid maternity leave and was sort of hoping she wouldn’t invite us. Current climate and all that I was a bit sick of hearing over coffee all about her Celtic Tiger style wedding she was booking especially as she was quite open about calculating the number of guests in order to make it a profitable day out! Apparently since I have been on leave she has been very vocal about how much she would expect guests to give. Apart from hoping we just wouldn’t be invited I had thought we would make up an excuse if we were invited and send them our best wishes for the day etc. However, another colleague and good friend of mine now tells me how rhe bride to be has been going on about how even if people don’t attend she would still expect full gift from them – according to her anything else is bang out of order! Worringly the other girls in the office at that same lifestage appear to agree.
    I am sick over the whole thing. It’s like I have been slapped with a bill I cannot afford because she had decided to get married. I really would be hard pushed at the moment to afford the day out let alone the large cash gift expected. I find ‘the whole thing a bit crass but aside from that I don’t really want to go spilling my guts on our household budget to a colleague. Is there anyway I can get out of this dignity and purse intact?
    Maybe I was naive but this wasn’t the way we operated our wedding.

  • #1113841

    Naillij
    Participant

    Madwan I wouldnt worry what this woman thinks of what you do about her wedding, she obviously has her head up her own arse! Sorry foe being crass but really annoys me when people expect to get their money back from wedding gifts. I think you should only have the wedding you can afford and if you get some money or nice presents thats a bounus, you should be inviting people to spend the day with you not pay for your lavish day out!

    If it was me, I wouldnt go, send apologies and a nice card, maybe a token gift like bride and groom champagne flutes or something, then again Ive only done this with people I liked! If someone was that demanding and expecting so much from everyone id probably give her nothing!

  • #1113864

    GOCMM
    Participant

    I totally agree with Naillij. Your colleague is so far out of line she doesn’t even realise it herself. I’d do exactly as Naillij advises as you will have to work along side this lady when you return from leave. Out of curiosity did she shower you with lavish and expensive gifts when your baby was born???!!!

  • #1113883

    Pollyw
    Participant

    God madwan I am sort of on the same predicament but its a friend of DH’s and nothing about money etc was mentioned but I am thinking god this is a BILL I could have done without – I know its not a bill and actualy would like to attend the wedding but my bro and SIL are going and they are giving ˆ300 gift – I WAS LIKE WHAT??? If we go I was thinking more like ˆ150 at the most or evem ˆ100 and a gift of wine glasses or a nice frame or something with it – IF they are giving ˆ300 won’t it make us look mean but then again I just said Dh if we go feck it ˆ150 is the max – no point going if it will cost that much as well as hair and makeup, tan drinks for the day:(.. If we don’t go all I would be giving is a gift like frame or something!!
    I wouldn’t go if I were you – say you have no sitter and send a card and a ˆ50 gift card or else a nice frame or something also say in the card – sorry we couldn’t be with ye on your special day so I am just sending a token to let ye know we are thinking of ye blah blah blah!!
    NO-ONE GIVES THE SAME AMOUNT FOR GOING AS NOT GOING!!!

  • #1114043

    chill1
    Participant

    Hey ladies, got married myself last July and can’t believe what I’m reading here!! We were genuinely spoiled on our big day but the only people who gave anything like ˆ300 were my grandparents and godparents! We married in Spain and the guests generally gave around ˆ100! To be honest, we got mr and mrs t-shirts that our friends had made with the location, time date etc and our wedding pic on and that’s one of the things we cherish most!!

     

    Madwan, if you genuinely enjoy this woman’s company I’d think about buying a token gift, although by the sounds of it she’s a person I’d go out of my way to avoid!! By no means should you send a cash gift if you’re not attending!! That’s disgraceful!! Really hope this helps!! Couldn’t read and not post!!

  • #1114081

    Sweetpea101
    Participant

    Wow, some people are shockingly rude. My suggestion would be a nice piece from Newbridge along with a card, more than generous. Ignore the rest of the rubbish from other people. I got married four and a half years ago and some guests gave gifts, some gave money (various amounts) and there were a few who gave nothing. We didn’t care. People came along, wished us well and we had a fab day!!!

  • #1114086

    polly1976
    Participant

    cant believe what im reading,the same gift for attending as not attending,this woman is so far up her own rear,i would buy a gift voucher for say 50e or a small gift,cant believe there are people like her,where does she get off

    we are attending the full wedding of a family friend in july,not paticularly close to dh or i but we will be giving a cheque for 150e which is the norm i have been told

  • #1114091

    madwan
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for your reassurances. I’m glad to see things haven’t changed quite as much as I was being led to believe. I had been quite looking forward to the day out but all this has kinda put me off to be honest. I’ll decide closer to the RSVP date but either way I won’t be handing over the ˆ250/ˆ300 that was being suggested.
    Much happier in myself now – thanks again for taking the time to reply.

  • #1114129

    baby pickle
    Participant

    ah madwan – thats crazy! although in saying that when we got married 3 years ago I was stunned how much some of our friends gave us as gifts! Some 300-350!! who has that kind of money – even in the good times! 

    whether you decide to attend the wedding or not its up to you whether you want to give a gift! I wouldnt feel under any pressure at all! its so expesive for guests to go to any kind of event these days.

    If you are looking to give a gift tho the Newbridge Silverware sale is on at the moment – they always have lovely stuff. You could pick up a really lovely gift for 30ˆ

  • #1114151

    a.k.a.
    Participant

    Hiya,

    a rule of thumb I always use is that if you attend you’re gift should be roughly equivalent to the meal plus a bit extra {when I got married our meal was [ˆ35 a head so I was happy with ˆ50 and appreciative of it too} per person. This is how I work out what to give people. I’d figure my husband and I to give ˆ100. Now this is for family and close friends. If you don’t attend you’re not expected to give a present and again I’d only give something to family or close friends if I can’t make it to their wedding. Where I work we would generally do a collection for someone who is getting married and all sign our names on a great big card. ˆ5 in the pot, who wouldn’t be happy with that?! Girl sounds greedy. You get married for your happiness, not the presents and money.

  • #1114383

    ah26
    Participant

    Any woman who goes into her wedding day calculating how much she’ll receive in gifts is heading for trouble… Quite frankly I’d send her a cannot attend and no gift or card. When all your colleagues receive their thank you cards 3 months after wedding you act all surprised that you didn’t receive one – did she not get your card that left at hotel reception with cash in it???
    Someone like her is definitely not worth worrying about and the rest of your colleagues will grow up eventually!
    Forget all about it and just play dumb!

  • #1114658

    F-5
    Participant

    She is bang out of order madwan, If you are not going to the wedding i would give a token but i dont think i would if they went on like your colleague, she sounds like she is way up her own butt.

    ha ha ah26 LOVE YOUR WAY OF THINKING LOL

  • #1114929

    Anonymous

    OMG the cheek of her attitude. Look your always going to come across people like that. Just tell her you cant go and stick maybe a 50 euro voucher in a card for her. I got presents like that from people who did attend. I think it’s very cheeky of her to expect what she wants. we didnt ask anyone for anything im just glad people came. She is obviously having a big wedding and using peoples donations to pay for it. Send her a card saying sorry you couldnt be there and if you can afford 50 euro give it to her. If not just something small. If she wants a bitch, screw her, let her bitch! Your friends know what position your in,shes obviously not worth knowing if she expects something big. Now it would be a diff story if you did attend her wedding and just handed her a card. tell her you’ll take her out for lunch when your back of your maternity leave or something, and if shes as good a friend, tell her your strapped for cash. if shes just a work colleague, she’s just a work colleague, you dont have to explain yourself. Im sure when and if she bitches about people being stingey or whatever, people mightnt say it, but they are prob staring at her thinking shes a right stuck up diva

  • #1115076

    ah26
    Participant

    A good friend of mine once advised when it comes to these things – weddings, having loads of visitors after babies etc etc “those that mind don’t matter & those that matter don’t mind” it applies here I think!

  • #1115081

    Bally G
    Participant

    Do not give a present if you are not attending, we didn’t receive anything from people that couldn’t attend our wedding and we weren’t put out in any way, some people can’t make it!
    If you are still on leave when the wedding is going to be on then send back the rsvp saying you can’t attend and you don’t have to give an excuse if you won’t see her before it!
    ˆ100 is the average amount per couple but most people understand if you don’t have it.
    If you do decide to go, buy a present rather that money, that way you can get a present for half the price!
    Just my opinion anyway

  • #1115184

    Ais&John
    Participant

    Couldnt read and not post. The absolute cheek of this woman!!! Only for you have to work with her Id say give her nothing but for the sake of work tensions Id give her a frame or wine glasses or something like that just so she cant say you gave her nothing. I got married last year and didnt care less what we were given money or presents its not about those thigns and this woman has her prioroties totally wrong she’ll end up on her own in no time with no friends who’d put up with that for too long????

     

    Hope you get sorted and dont feel guilty about whatever you decide from what you say its not like shes a close friend just a colleague so feck it.

  • #1115198

    BluebellChild
    Participant

    This is a work colleague?

    Not family?

    Not a friend?

    But a work colleague?!

     

    Whatever happened to the days of the office girls clubbing together & just getting one gift from work?

     

    This girl is so far out of order it’s almost hilarious!

     

    You’re on maternity leave. You have no obligations whatsoever to go to this wedding. And certainly not to get her a huge gift. Just get her a card. Or maybe one of those telegram thingys that they read out at the meal saying you’re sorry you’re missing her special day, or some other rot.

     

     

  • #1115344

    mum#2
    Participant

    I agree with the other posters. If it was a family member then yes I would give a gift even if I wasn’t going but a work collegue no.

    I can’t believe she would even say out loud what she said….come on!!!

     

    If she is expecting presents like that to pay for the wedding then maybe she should have thought about what she was spending beforehand and not hope that presents will pay for it after. 

  • #1115726

    stephiel
    Participant

    Im afraid that girl is going to be very disappointed when she begins to open her cards after the wedding!!  We got married 4 years ago and the average gift was 150-200 euro and very few presents.  but from talking to friends who have got married in the last two years i think more people are giving gifts and the average cash present is 100-150.

    I know a wedding isn’t about money but i agree with the girl who said she covers the price of the meal.  me and my hubby generally give 150 euro now.  200 if they are a good friend or family, and believe me it can be tough to afford that!

     

  • #1115997

    xxrosie
    Participant

    I’ve never heard of having to give a present if you cant make the wedding, she is NUTS !! You’d give if it was a family/friend and you genuinely couldn’t go but even at that, most people I know wouldn’t even expect it, dont mind her and her talk, she should concentrate on the real reason for getting married !

  • #1116645

    L.K
    Participant

    omg madwan i am shocked, is this girl for real,
    sounds a bit of a diva, lol

    i plan to marry within the year, and tbh i generally wouldnt be looking for gifts off people,
    as i only plan on having my closest friends and family there on the day,
    i would just be delighted for them beign there with us to celebrate the day, and if i was to receive something it would be a bonus,
    the way the country is people generally dont have it, so people shouldn’t expect much at all,

    if shes only a girl from work, what i would do is everyone pool in together and sign a card,

    as for if you cant make the wedding still give a gift, shes bonkers i tell ya, lol

  • #1117962

    eibhlis
    Participant

    I am not generally a rude person but in this case, I would just send a  ‘Sorry but no thanks’ and leave it at that!  She doesn’t want you at her wedding – she wants the money.  She is sad ….   God help the husband to be.

     

    I am probably much older than many of the posters here – I don’t believe I should be expected to cover the meal + more; they either want us or they don’t.  If I feel I am wanted, I will reciprocate with a gift that may be money. may be a very personal/memorable/ special thing, may be a voucher.  If I feel I am being asked only because I am a friend of a friend / parents etc, I cite families/ babysitting etc as the reason for not going.  I would give a gift but I would never feel I had to calculate the cost of my seat!   End of story. 

  • #1118152

    penguin queen
    Participant

    PLEASE don’t even think about getting a 50 euro voucher as some have said. 50 euro is a lot of money, think of what you could do for your own family with that. Your colleague will need surgery to extract her head from her a*#e, so just decline with a simple card and stop worrying.
    Someone mentioned the quote ” the people that mind don’t matter, the people that matter don’t mind”. This is so true, gets you through so many things and best of all, it came from dr. Seuss!!!!

  • #1121992

    bibi1974
    Participant

    Penguin Queen you’re a riot!! totally agree with you, that work colleague is totally out of touch with the financial reality of life in Ireland today. I’ve had to refuse 2 weddings already this year and could’nt afford to give them a present either. I got married myself 6 months ago and the only people who gave us significant cash presents were our parents and my siblings. Wouldn’t expect it from other people. That girl really needs to get her priorities in order or she’ll never be happy with her lot in life.

     

  • #1182075

    stylesuccess
    Participant

    Hi – Gee I wish I’d read this forum before December 2011- A friend got married – one I have lost touch with over the past two years – her hens cost over ˆ200 , and then I was advised she wanted cash only and was told most of the girls were giving 200E , so I put 200E into her card . I am completly broke from it all , and after the girls wedding I texted to wish them well on their honey moon – and to thank them for a lovely day and wish them a Happy New Year – and received no reply!! I wouldn’t mind but her father paid for her wedding and told us all in his speech! And , my friend who advised she was giving 200E told me after that she went to Brown Thomas sale the day after the wedding and bought the couple a gift for 150E. Im fuming I gave such a large cash gift – I wish I went into the sales after Chrishmas and cut my cloth accordingly!! I will admit I was keeping up with the others , or so I thought – now Im out of pocket for bills – and the girl that got married isn’t even a colse friend!! We live and learn !! 

  • #1193033

    clarkhudson
    Participant

    This is a sad friendship story. I know it is so expensive to get married nowadays. But saving money on your wedding reception doesn’t make you cheap, it makes you wise. Here are just a couple of the ways that you can save cash on reception food, yet keep your friends satisfied. Resource for this article: How to save money on wedding reception food.

  • #1202277

    Gooseysgirl
    Participant

    OMG what a wagon!!! I would send a ‘sorry we can’t attend card’ and wouldn’t give her a brass penny. I know someone who got married ten years ago who made no secret of the fact that they would be using cash gifts to pay for the wedding and guess what… they were given more presents than cash and didn’t cover their costs!! I think it is incredibly rude to ask for cash.  I think in Ireland the cash gift thing has gone way out of control! My DH is English and our English guests other than immediate family gave small cash gifts of ?20 – ?50, which we were very grateful for but did not expect or ask for.

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