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8 Things You Honestly Don't Need To Buy For Baby

Don’t waste a fortune on useless products for your new arrival. Our resident Dad, Pat Fitzpatrick, lists 8 items you can afford to ignore.

1. Buggy Mitts

It’s freezing cold outside. Fantastic! You finally get to try out your €20 buggy mitts. You know the ones that stay fixed on the buggy, so you just slide your hands in and out without the hassle of taking off gloves. The next day it’s 13 degrees outside (Ireland!). You put your hands into the mitts because there isn’t room anywhere else on the buggy handle. You end up with very, very hot hands. You decide to take the buggy mitts off. It’s not as easy as you think. The next day it’s freezing again (Ireland!). You put the mitts back on the buggy again. It isn’t as easy as you might think. It’s certainly not as easy as putting on your gloves. You throw the buggy mitts in the bin.

2. Russian Doll Baby Bag

You know the one that’s a big bag, with a number of ‘handy’ smaller bags inside of that. Because if there’s one thing a new mother has, it’s enough time to pack two different bags when she is heading out for the day. “It’s so handy, I can just take this slightly smaller bag out in the restaurant”, said no one who ever tried to pack a bag while changing a nappy on a six-month-old wriggle-meister and talking to her mam on the phone. This only ever ends one way. An ad on Done Deal saying: For Sale: Two Smallish Bags, Used Once, Couldn’t stop cursing.

READ ALSO: 8 Essential Items You Need to be a Proper Dad

3. Baby Monitors

Why do people spend a fortune on monitors? You already have a special device that will make a noise when your attention is required. It’s called a baby. They come with 10 pre-installed volume settings, from “Did you hear a cry?” to “I’m actually afraid to go in there.” If you reckon you live in a house so big that you can’t hear your child crying, then hello Kate Middleton, we didn’t know you were such a big fan of our articles. Baby monitors have only one use. Saving the money on a babysitter when you leave Jack asleep in your hotel bedroom on a weekend break and sneak downstairs for a quick meal*. Don’t worry about the guilt. Everyone else in the dining room is at the same lark.

4. Weaning Spoon

Here is one thing we know for certain. The human race has survived and evolved into the most successful species on earth without the help of weaning spoons that cost a tenner. And yet you can buy a weaning spoon for a tenner. (You’ll need three, because when you have kids, everything is lost all the time.) Actually, all you really need is some patience, a bib for the child, a washable body suit for yourself and a roll of plastic sheeting to put under the kitchen table. That should come to €2. The €28 saved will keep you in decent wine for a week. You’ll need that at weaning time. Unless you rank ‘prising scrunched up broccoli out of the floorboards’ as one of life’s great pleasures.

READ ALSO: 8 Ways To Discipline Your Child (Or Not)

5. Teething Necklace

I’m not sure if the amber teething necklace eases the pain when little Amy is getting her first set of gnashers. I am sure you have to survive on four minutes of broken sleep when a child is teething and you won’t be able to deal with all the necklace related comments. If you do decide to go with the necklace, you should hand out the following printed message to everyone you meet. "Thank you for your interest in my child. Yes, I am aware of the tiny choking risk associated with the necklace. And no, it doesn’t mean we’ve ‘gone all hippy’ all of a sudden."

6. The Parenting Books

The bad news is, there are millions of books out there promising to help you rear your child. The good news is that one of them is bound to back up your crackpot notions about parenting. So keep reading until you find that book and then tell everyone “look, I was right all along!” As for you expectant Moms out there, planning to buy books for your partner called something like "How to be an Awesome Dad2", let’s just say you’ll have enough argument fodder when Sophie arrives without arguing over whether or not he read the book. (He so didn’t, in case you’re wondering. Trust me on that.)

7. The Slings

Every parent has good things to say about the sling they use to carry their child. It’s the slings they don’t use that cause the problem. Particularly when there are eight of them lying around and you live in a small house. Research shows this isn’t caused by men, because we’re not that bothered how we look. That’s why you’ll often see one of us out and about with little Sophie strapped into a sling that doesn’t go with our shirt. Some might think this is a fashion no-no. We think we’re already getting a lot of Yummy Mummy saucy glances for being a hands-on sling Dad. So don’t feel sorry for us.

READ ALSO: Choosing A Baby Name | 8 Solid Bits Of Advice

8. Baby Wipe Warmer

Seriously, it’s a thing. You can buy one for around €40. They are popular with a lot of people in the States. But then so is Donald Trump. I don’t remember being a baby myself, but when it comes to temperature and bum-wipes, I’d be one of those people who likes it cold as possible. So do you, particularly when it’s less than two days since your last Chicken Jalfrezi. Bear that in mind when thinking about the state of your child’s bum. And put her wipes in the fridge. *this is a joke. Don't actually do this.

 

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About the Author

Pat Fitzpatrick lives in Cork city with his wife and two small kids. He gave up a decent job in I.T. in 2008 to head for the lucrative world of writing. So don't hire him as a life coach, investment advisor or anything to do with your career. His Sunday Independent newspaper columns have been entertaining Irish people through some tough times. Pat is a regular on the on the RTE Today show with Maura Derrane and Daithí O’Sé and pops up frequently on radio shows such as the Right Hook. All of this is a bit too much like hard work, so he has started writing novels which will hopefully fund an early retirement to a hammock in the back garden. His first novel, Keep Away from those Ferraris, is available online and in shops outlined here http://www.patfitzpatrick.ie/novels/. Pat’s kids are both under two, so if you don’t mind, he is now going for a quick lie down.

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